I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My life is pants optional.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
