My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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