I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
