Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
