my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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