is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.