Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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