I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
