his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
