Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
