Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
