I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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