I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
