Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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