I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
