i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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