If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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