im about as happy as oj after his trial
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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