Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
