You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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