I wish my penis had an off switch
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
