I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
