CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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