mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
