so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
