Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
