Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
