it wasn't lemon gatorade
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize