her vagine was all disorganized.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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