jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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