I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize