He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
