Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
