In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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