someone threw a dead crab at me
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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