my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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