i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
