Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
