If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize
