i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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