i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
