don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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