I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
