I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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