Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
