She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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