So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
