I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
