this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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