Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
