Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
