I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
