So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
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She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
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Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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