Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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