I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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