I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
