I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
