i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
