my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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