mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just google imaged poop.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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