I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
