Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
