So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
