I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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