The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
